At the end of 2010 ... celebrate

At the close of each year we celebrate the beginning of new things. We make new years resolutions. We promise to give up on bad habits, to treat ourselves better, to spend more time with our family, to just be better to ourselves.

Me, I think of you. I celebrate your life. In our life together, the constant was always you.   But with sadness I now celebrate the 4th new year without you at my side. 2011 ... new beginnings. I have to say that I may be ready for new beginnings, but will never forget the past, or you. You, who has helped shape me into the person that I am. You, who showed me what love is. You, who altered me and made me realise all that I can be. I celebrate you.

I was given a gift. I held that gift for 11 years and I didn't know how precious it was until it was taken away from me. But I take away memories and laughter and more happiness than some people have in ten lifetimes.

And so, at the end of 2010, heading into the new year ... never forget those that made your soul sing and your heart soar. Celebrate those that touch your life, each and every single day. Celebrate the here and the now.

To all, I wish mountains of love and affection. More happiness than you can contain in your heart. True joy and contentment and peace.

PEACE FROM WITHIN

Those who contemplate the beauty of earth find reserves of strength ...


And it is so true. Having spent a weekend in the bush, soaking up the peace and quiet, viewing God's creatures in their natural habitat, listening to the croaking of the frogs at night time, the stillness of the bush took hold of me.


From the beautiful manmade lodges that gave the comfort and fed me naturally ...

Lunch on the deck overlooking the river

Splash pool on suite deck

Ebony Lodge lounge and reception

Bedroom in family suite at Boulders Lodge

Deck and pool of family suite at Boulders Lodge

Lamplit tables at bush dinner

to the beauty in nature ...

I could not come away without being touched by it all. Inner peace is hard to come by in the hectic lives we lead and often we lose touch with ourselves. Sitting quietly, feeling small in the presence of the immense peace, I knew that I was again leaving a piece of myself behind, but taking so much away with me.

ANGER

Waves of anger, rippling through my chest

I want to scream, to punch something

I try to breath evenly, I cannot

I try to see reason, I cannot

I am inconsolable

I am angry

Warm tears course down my cheeks

I feel helpless

This smoldering hurt

I am shaking inside

Venomous emotions 

bubble to the surface

Time will heal the deep wounds

Tears will soothe the old hurts

The anger will come and go

I will remember

THE YEAR AHEAD ... 2010

2010 has arrived! Treat it kindly, spend your time with people who enrich your life, don't throw your heart away, love those who deserve it. 

Be kind to yourself, be kind to others. Laugh often, from the pit of your stomach. Tease people, tickle them, be a true friend. Have fun! 
Kiss madly until your toes curl with pleasure. Hold hands & appreciate the fact that you can. Hope for better things, dream big. 
Endless possibilities await you ... the world is your oyster! Never just settle ... you deserve the best! This can be the best year yet!

TIRED

(Originally posted 16/04/2010)

I have been having many restless nights. My focus has shifted, I’m permanently preoccupied to the point where I feel like I’m just not giving those around me sufficient of myself ... keeping myself closed off.  I may appear disinterested and faraway, but I’m dwelling in one place at the moment.

The place where I am trying to remember what your voice sounds like. The place where I am trying to remember your smile, your laughter, your touch. The place of safety that you always were to me. The place of peace, quiet and rest. The place where we fulfilled our needs within each other. The place where we could be ourselves without judgement. The place of strength we were as partners in everything, spouses, lovers, best friends.

I’m tired from remembering and hurting and feeling lost and adrift.

THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED

(Originally posted 14/03/2010)

21 April 2007 - Almost three years. Three years of missing you.

I still cannot drive that road without thinking about that day.  Your birthday. It was supposed to be a special day. It was an unforgettable day. I got the call and had to go to you. I had to drive through the panic, through the fear. I had to hear the words that you were gone. I had to make the calls to say that you were gone.

I held your hand while others milled around. I touched your face ... your handsome face that wasn’t going to smile again. Your strong hands that would never hold mine again. I would never hear your laughter again, or your beautiful voice speaking to me.

My best friend. My soulmate. The one who got me! How do I make it through life without you?

Here I am, almost three years down the road, and the pain is still so real. I think about you constantly, sometimes with tears and sometimes with smiles. Never forgotten, my love!