MY ADVENTURE BEGINS (5 September 2011)

Getting up early to make sure that I have everything packed and ready, didn't seem to add to the exciting feeling that comes with a holiday that has finally arrived. I don't lie when I say that I wasn't feeling it. But, one last bye to the dogs, one final mental check that I have everything I need, one last check to make sure that everything at home will be taken care of and a little butterfly flapped it's wings.

The airport brings with it the sense of adventures waiting to happen and stories waiting to be told. My adventure was about to begin.

A fully booked flight meant that my 11 hours from Cape Town to Kuala Lumpur was spent at the back of the plane. Thankfully an aisle seat, but in the the last section of cattle class (aka economy class). I sat next to a couple from "some place in Asia whose name I couldn't make out after asking 3 times". They offered breath mints ... that one made me blow in my hand and sniff. Very friendly folk who had been on a 6 day visit to South Africa.

Low of the flight - there was sniffing and snorting of epic proportions. It's my absolute pet hate ... the nostril clearing kind of snort. Besides that, and the gent who kept standing in the aisle with his ass in my face ... three loud coughs each time he did it, finally got the message through to him ... the flight was uneventful, with a little bit of turbulence here and there. True to form I may have slept for the sum total of 1 hour. But I watched movies. Oh, and not to forget the fact that I got to watch a toddler projectile vomit her chicken noodle breakfast into a cup. That was definitely the highlight of my flight.

ENDINGS AND NEW BEGINNINGS

In fourteen days time I will be walking out of the office for the last time. An end of an era. 13 years 2 months. Wow! It feels incredibly surreal.

In nineteen days time I will be dragging my backpack to the airport, for a two month holiday in New Zealand. Again, surreal.

I would be lying if I said I'm not overwhelmed. I am. It was all good and well making this decision in January, but the time has arrived and it has left me feeling a tad uncertain and even a little sad.

But ... as I pack up the files in my home office, I am thrilled at all the extra space ... for activities. And as I put out the items I need to take with me on my trip, I am thrilled that the time has finally come for my adventure.

Endings and new beginnings. They do go hand in hand.

REALISATIONS AND REMINDERS

My family is king. Always there for me and no matter what, I know they will support me in any decision I make and be there for the fallout.

I have the most amazing friends. They support me. They uplift me. They make me smile, laugh and feel special. Spending time with them reminds me how blessed I am to know them and have them in my life. They just get me.

It's not a good weekend that doesn't start with a Saturday breakfast with my sister, Colleen, and my niece, Chantell.

I do not like conflict. I am not afraid of it, but will avoid ruffling feathers unnecessarily. If forced I will go for the jugular and I always make sure I draw blood.

I don't play mind games. I will speak my mind and make sure I know where I stand.

Self preservation is something I practice on a daily basis to ensure that I protect myself from any unnecessary pain.

Nothing will ever compare to the loss of my husband. No pain under the sun will ever come close to that feeling. And I survived that pain and loss. I'm not saying I will be unaffected by other situations. I am saying that I will survive.

I love meeting new people and socialising. For a long time I kept to myself, but now I am absolutely loving the social side of me. Perhaps it is cabin fever, resulting from working at home, but I think it is because I am finally moving on.

I am incredibly excited about the new chapter of my life. Resigning from a company I have worked for for 13 years and taking 4-6 months off to decide what I want to do next, is the ultimate luxury. I am incredibly fortunate to be able to do this.

My home is my refuge. I fill it with things that make me happy and add comfort. I try make sure it is a peaceful place to be and want others to share in that comfort and peace with me.

Sunday nights are still the loneliest night of the week for me.

I love champagne!

The Lonely

This song just hit the spot for how I have been feeling the past few days ...


The Lonely - Christina Perri


Listen to "The Lonely"


2am; where do I begin,
Crying off my face again.
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night.
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me til I fall asleep.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely.

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

MID-WEEK ESCAPE

Clear the fog from the brain, check your worries at the door.


Climb a mountain, laugh with friends, enjoy a sunset and celebrate the beauty of life ...

LETTING GO

It sounds like a very easy thing to do. Letting go. Sometimes you are considered weak for clinging to something that holds no hope or future. But I say that it requires immense bravery and strength to realise that it is time to let go.

Of course, I speak only of myself, when I write this. This is because I need to let go.  I know that I need to let go. 

For over four years I have held on to a life that I once lived. I have kept my heart hidden away from the possibility of moving on. I have closed myself off from the world around me. I have kept parts of myself hidden.

There have been times I thought I was ready to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, stick them back together and give this fragmented heart to somebody else. But I realised that I could never do that. What good is a fragmented heart to someone? What good is a half-hearted attempt at change?

So for four years I have plugged away at sorting myself out. At fixing me. At licking my wounds and putting myself back together again. And I think that I am finally ready to do this. I have dealt with my guilt at moving on, forgiven myself for considering it and accepted that in all of this, letting go doesn’t mean I am going to forget. Letting go doesn’t mean I do not care. It just means that I care enough about me to give myself another chance.

Sad day

Today is a sad day for many of my friends. Loss of a loved one, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a friend ... it all seems so pointless. Life, lost in its prime. Laughter cut short. Future, robbed of joy. We do not understand.

 

But do not let the sadness rob you of the memories and the happy times. We keep our love alive by remembering the eyes crinkled with laughter, the mischievous and teasing ways. We keep our memories strong by talking about them as if they are still with us. They are with us. We celebrate lives that made a difference, friendships that touched us, love that crept into our hearts.

 

Never forget!

At the end of 2010 ... celebrate

At the close of each year we celebrate the beginning of new things. We make new years resolutions. We promise to give up on bad habits, to treat ourselves better, to spend more time with our family, to just be better to ourselves.

Me, I think of you. I celebrate your life. In our life together, the constant was always you.   But with sadness I now celebrate the 4th new year without you at my side. 2011 ... new beginnings. I have to say that I may be ready for new beginnings, but will never forget the past, or you. You, who has helped shape me into the person that I am. You, who showed me what love is. You, who altered me and made me realise all that I can be. I celebrate you.

I was given a gift. I held that gift for 11 years and I didn't know how precious it was until it was taken away from me. But I take away memories and laughter and more happiness than some people have in ten lifetimes.

And so, at the end of 2010, heading into the new year ... never forget those that made your soul sing and your heart soar. Celebrate those that touch your life, each and every single day. Celebrate the here and the now.

To all, I wish mountains of love and affection. More happiness than you can contain in your heart. True joy and contentment and peace.

PEACE FROM WITHIN

Those who contemplate the beauty of earth find reserves of strength ...


And it is so true. Having spent a weekend in the bush, soaking up the peace and quiet, viewing God's creatures in their natural habitat, listening to the croaking of the frogs at night time, the stillness of the bush took hold of me.


From the beautiful manmade lodges that gave the comfort and fed me naturally ...

Lunch on the deck overlooking the river

Splash pool on suite deck

Ebony Lodge lounge and reception

Bedroom in family suite at Boulders Lodge

Deck and pool of family suite at Boulders Lodge

Lamplit tables at bush dinner

to the beauty in nature ...

I could not come away without being touched by it all. Inner peace is hard to come by in the hectic lives we lead and often we lose touch with ourselves. Sitting quietly, feeling small in the presence of the immense peace, I knew that I was again leaving a piece of myself behind, but taking so much away with me.

ANGER

Waves of anger, rippling through my chest

I want to scream, to punch something

I try to breath evenly, I cannot

I try to see reason, I cannot

I am inconsolable

I am angry

Warm tears course down my cheeks

I feel helpless

This smoldering hurt

I am shaking inside

Venomous emotions 

bubble to the surface

Time will heal the deep wounds

Tears will soothe the old hurts

The anger will come and go

I will remember

THE YEAR AHEAD ... 2010

2010 has arrived! Treat it kindly, spend your time with people who enrich your life, don't throw your heart away, love those who deserve it. 

Be kind to yourself, be kind to others. Laugh often, from the pit of your stomach. Tease people, tickle them, be a true friend. Have fun! 
Kiss madly until your toes curl with pleasure. Hold hands & appreciate the fact that you can. Hope for better things, dream big. 
Endless possibilities await you ... the world is your oyster! Never just settle ... you deserve the best! This can be the best year yet!

TIRED

(Originally posted 16/04/2010)

I have been having many restless nights. My focus has shifted, I’m permanently preoccupied to the point where I feel like I’m just not giving those around me sufficient of myself ... keeping myself closed off.  I may appear disinterested and faraway, but I’m dwelling in one place at the moment.

The place where I am trying to remember what your voice sounds like. The place where I am trying to remember your smile, your laughter, your touch. The place of safety that you always were to me. The place of peace, quiet and rest. The place where we fulfilled our needs within each other. The place where we could be ourselves without judgement. The place of strength we were as partners in everything, spouses, lovers, best friends.

I’m tired from remembering and hurting and feeling lost and adrift.

THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED

(Originally posted 14/03/2010)

21 April 2007 - Almost three years. Three years of missing you.

I still cannot drive that road without thinking about that day.  Your birthday. It was supposed to be a special day. It was an unforgettable day. I got the call and had to go to you. I had to drive through the panic, through the fear. I had to hear the words that you were gone. I had to make the calls to say that you were gone.

I held your hand while others milled around. I touched your face ... your handsome face that wasn’t going to smile again. Your strong hands that would never hold mine again. I would never hear your laughter again, or your beautiful voice speaking to me.

My best friend. My soulmate. The one who got me! How do I make it through life without you?

Here I am, almost three years down the road, and the pain is still so real. I think about you constantly, sometimes with tears and sometimes with smiles. Never forgotten, my love!